mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Sponge bath it is.
Jerry, you need to find god
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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