I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
