He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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