I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
