Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
