Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
