paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
