Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
