ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
