i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
