The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
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he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
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ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Send help, water and tortillas.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.