I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.