Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.