He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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