She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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