Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
