i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
