The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
