Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
