You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
