I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
