I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize