so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
