can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
