my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
