Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
