wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
