I smell stomach acid.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
