Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
