If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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