You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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