In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
