We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
