Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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