I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
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Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
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Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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