Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
