I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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