i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
