Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
