Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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