I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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