i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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