i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
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he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
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If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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