Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
