from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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