saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
