My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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