You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
