WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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