Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
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