if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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