i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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