I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
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The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
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Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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