Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
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