You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
high people should be assigned attendants
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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